Good evening friends,
It's been almost a year since I wrote on on this site. I had some positive feedback from the two entries that I posted back in December of last year and then 2024 happened and everything went really, really fast.
The salon has been gangbusters busy. January was massive! Between the salon, yoga, and teaching religious education, I was all over the place and my social life was in good graces with the large amount of friend groups I juggle.
February brought a very unlikely turn of events when a person from my past magically re-appeared. My friend was re-establishing his life in a sober capacity and I chose to be a source of counsel, friendship and unconditional love. As March came, we saw more and more of each other and I remembered how amazing our friendship is, was and will continue to be (one day).
As I continued this friendship and spent more time with my friend, I saw a lot of mixed emotions in my social circles. Some folks told me not to get too close, some wanted to know specifics and some wanted me to leave him alone all together. I chose to listen to my own intuition and continue on my path, my hearts callings and spent more time with my friend.
April brought me back to Salt Lake City to attend an open house for a new temple less than a mile from my grandfather's home. I was thrilled to attend. He would have been so happy to have a temple this close to him. The traffic into Salt Lake was terrible and the ride home was challenging since there were so many roads closed. We had to come home through Wyoming back into Colorado versus just passing through Grand Junction and then back down to good ol' Pueblo. I was irritable when we got back home. I don't know that I'll ever drive that again. I do anticipate going back to Salt Lake, but I will probably fly in and fly out.
May brought warmer weather and the return of teaching privately. This year my yoga students focused more on mediation, Yoga Nidra, chakra work through Reiki and learning classically yoga and techniques taught in India. They were immersed in authentic yogic practices and I was surging with energy. I noticed a strain and stress in my friend's demeanor at this time and kept brushing off the behavior as fear of adjusting to a new lifestyle; sadly, I knew there was a third-party influence in his ear and as I warned against this person's influence, it was met with deaf ears.
By June, my friend had sent me a message and ghosted me altogether. His text messages did not even sounds like him. I am convinced the third-party influence had a hand in this disunion and I fell into a deep depression. I could not eat. I could not self-heal through Reiki practices and sat (for what seemed like hours) in deep meditation asking God to reveal to me the source of strain. My third-eye vision was keen and open and I kept getting signs that a reunion would soon take place by his birthday or my own.
July came and I dropped a gift off at his work with no returned thank you or acknowledgement. I felt absolutely worthless and continued on my depression-filled road. I'd wake up, go to work, come home and sleep and repeat. I had also taken up smoking cigarettes again in an attempt to release my stress. I canceled all my private student sessions and fell deeper into an abyss I have never felt.
One thing I will share with you: please don't ghost your loved ones or friends. It is deafening to the spirit. I'm a strong person, but anyone else weaker than me may have thought about suicide.
I was getting unsolicited advice from friends, family and friends that were just train wrecks. Why would I listen to a bunch of train wrecks? I was also shunned by a few close friends and eventually disconnected with them. Someone even had the audacity to tell me, "Josh, it's okay to not be okay."
Dude, fuck off.
I had people telling me that depression didn't look good on me and even had a person tell me that I looked desperate for attention. I felt tormented daily by these hurtful words. Sometimes people just need you to listen, they don't need your words.
August seemed to be a little better as I upped my sunlight and vitamins and had to understand that this person has elected himself out and that everyone else has an opinion.
Opinions are like assholes, we all have one. I don't always want your feedback, really. I am a very strong person and think very little of advice from others. I'm not stupid or emotionally immature. My life has gone pretty smooth with the exception of matters of love and sometimes financial mistakes. In general, I run the roost and everyone comes to me for advice. If I need advice, I'll go to God, not my drinking buddies.
I attended our local Gay Pride festivities this year and reconnected with a lot of lost connections and flirted and danced and lived my life as a single, almost-forty-year old man.
A week later, I turned forty. I requested that we not celebrate my birthday, but a month of dinners, lunches, drinks and presents persisted and I realized that one lost connection is not worth all the sorrow. There are so many people in this world that love me. Sadly, I received three messages three days before my birthday from friends that they noticed a big shift in my attitude on life and found me to be negative and even concerning and could not continue their friendships with me. It was like a kick in the teeth. I was not shy to share this with those individuals. I came back swinging. Frankly, they deserved it.
My entire life as a grown adult I have always rescued my friends, helped them and loved them unconditionally and what I learned was the greatest gift of all: "not everyone treats you like you treat them."
I woke up out of my fury, out of my daze and decided that it was time to move forward. Their loss, not mine. What did I gain? More time for me and meeting new people and frankly, when the time is right, those people will return back into my orbit like they always seem to do.
September brought more engagements, weddings, baptisms, dates, and a return to my mediation practice in full. I started teaching religious ed again and even got to be a guest speaker at one of the Catholic schools. Everyone loved my talk and message. Five days later, the principle of the school called me to tell me that someone had submitted Facebook posts form 2020-2024 where I had cussed or said off-color jokes that were not humorous or offensive to him and that I should not return to the school. I challenged his sentiments and remarked respectfully and still attend morning Mass there when I have a chance.
It's like I've had a sniper shooting at me all year critiquing me and telling me how bad of a person I am when, in fact, I've had an adventurous year blossoming into this 40-year-old man.
Truthfully, I think those people are jealous.
I have something they don't: integrity.
I do what I say I'm going to do even when they discourage it. I am rebellious by nature. The rebel in me fuels me because honestly, listening to the rules and walking on the dotted line is a boring way to live. There is a blissful yogi that lives in me and communes with God, the Devas and the Angels each morning and by 2:00 PM, my Spanish blood takes over and I want a glass of wine and some tapas. I have a dirty mouth and an exuberant sense of humor. Some people can't handle it.
I guess, in closing, what I would like to say is that if I offended you this year, you overthought the situation or you were judging me. You need a hobby. You need to worry about your own sins and quit counting mine.
Bring on the holidays! I'm ready for a good ugly sweater party and Midnight Mass.
Til I update you again,
Joshy-poo.
11/01/24
