Hi friends,
I am going to be incredibly vulnerable in this blog entry... so buckle up.
About a year ago I was deeply involved in the life of one of my friends that went to prison. He was and always has been such a talented human being. I never judged his situation or made any sin of it. Everyone messes up. I know I have.
My friends knew I was talking to him regularly and I made it a point to visit him and give him rides to work and spend time with him as he was re-introduced to society.
I think the world of him. I think he is a gem. He is a gift to us. He is so talented in his profession and so knowledgeable, but he makes mistakes and gets caught making those same mistakes. He is a charmer, a handsome man and knows how to speak well. He is engaging as fuck and has the most beautiful eyes.
For over fifteen years, I have known those eyes; so helping out with rides and talking to him was no big deal to me, in fact, it was the biggest turn on.
Four months went by and then one day he just stopped being engaged with yours truly. His "friend" got in the way. He told me they were only friends and that I shouldn't be worried and that he was not attracted to him in any way.
The day before my birthday, the "friend" posted in his Instagram comments, "I have the most beautiful boyfriend."
I LIKED the comment.
I did it on purpose.
I do not like this person. I think he's fake and a big user. He sees a wallet and a fantasy.
I was numb.
For months I slept in a dark room, came home and showered and retired to sleep, stopped cooking and stopped listening to music and stopped praying and meditating.
I disconnected from God.
I disconnected from Hope.
I wrote messages to find closure only to find that I have been restricted and blocked.
I sent a nasty email to the other friend that was not a "friend", but a boyfriend.
I became obsessed with heartbreak and darkness.
I drank five or six nights a week. I spent money on Only Fans and fell into the deepest depression I have been through since my separation/divorce.
I lost my yoga classes, private yoga clients and and had people questioning what I was going to do next. I had no answer. I became obsessed with lighting candles at church and praying for clarity. I prayed for my friend and his new boyfriend, my enemy.
I kept getting news reports about their relationship.
Then my friend went to work for one of my sworn enemies. How could he do this?
Why was and why is he still hurting me?
I love him.
I want the world for him.
Two days ago, someone showed me a post of my friend thanking his boyfriend for all his support at this time.
What the fuck has he done for you? You don't even find yourself attracted to him... or did you lie?
Did you lie to get a ride to work? Have you lied our entire friendship?
Did you lie when you told me you appreciate all I've done for you?
I have an evaluation of this situation:
Yes, you did and do like me. Yes, I'm intense and real. Yes, I can be dramatic. I get to be. I was lied to. You told me this man was only a friend and you are supposed boyfriends.
I deserve better than a liar.
I never cared that you drank.
I never cared that you did drugs.
I never cared that you went to prison.
I only cared about love.
Now, all I can focus on is the blatant betrayal and your focus on using me. It has been a damaging action and a damaging relationship.
I do not hate you and I will NEVER hate you, BUT I am disappointed and I deserve closure. Your entire family knows what has happened and you have not even tried to make this better. Does the new guy put it down good? Is he hung? Is he a gem? Is he love's pure light? I highly doubt it. He is a user.
From this experience I have learned that I do not ever want a boyfriend again. I do not ever want to help anyone again and I do not want any affection or feelings again. I want to be alone. I want to be left alone and I want an apology.
An apology would mean the world to me.
I have been swirling through space for nine months in and out of depression and asking myself what I did wrong. I have prayed, cried, fasted and lit churches on fire with so many candles asking for answers.
I deserve an answer.
I read online that it's okay to tell people to fuck off.
I don't like that.
I will tell you this though: You, my love, are my final heartbreak. I will never allow this to happen again and I will remember all of the relationships that led to this.
I am now five out of five romantic failures where someone else won their affection.
I'm just not good at love.
A weak person would kill themself; I have too much talent to even honor such a thought. I'm smart and attractive and handsome and witty and silly and cultured.
I'm sad for you.
You picked the wrong person and I am not looking for anyone because of it.
You fucked up once again.
Forever heartbroken, -j.
